Heartbroken

2 min read

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FerrumFlos1st's avatar
Published:
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I'm really am pathetic...

I never said this out loud to my family. I've had feelings for my first cousin, who's on my mom's side and 9 years older than me. I saw her today ready to express my feelings, but she already has a boyfriend. We exchange greetings, say hi, and how are we doing. Afterwards, I can't help but cry to myself.

Of course, this isn't my first heartbreak. I've had my first crush when I was 4. Then a bunch in K-12 and college. None of them reciprocated. I did enjoyed the company of one girl in high school, just as much as she enjoys my presence. We saw each other as friends, though I feel I like we should've gone further. Now it's already too late as we never see each other again.

I guess loneliness is what I deserve for making bad choices. But then, isn't that what I wanted? Not seeing people in-person, besides fast food or grocery cashiers. I get into bad arguments over the smallest things when being with people. I feel that I'm better off alone. But sometimes I get into a panic frenzy when I'm too alone by myself, and no one's around to stop me...
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NikosBoukouvalas's avatar
Hey man... I do not know how qualified I am to offer any advice. I've never been in a romantic relationship  and I always got anxious when I realized a girl might be flirting with me... But I get the whole "who would want me anyway?" attitude because I had that too. The only satisfying answer that I found is "then become a person you would consider worthwhile": Try to fit your life into a program/routine. I know it is a difficult decision to take, but it pays off.  It doesn't matter where you start... For me it was my diet: I was kinda fat so I started eating healthier and at specific times and though I am still a bit chubby, I've managed to lose quite some weight and am still going at it. After that everything came naturally and now I have a routine, I work better and more efficiently, anxiety is under control and when I get some free time I am thinking of starting working out...

I guess my point is... the whole "you are perfect and must accept yourself just the way you are"? Yeah that's not true. That does not mean changing your personality of developing self-hatred, on the contrary if you love yourself you must take care of him too. You must struggle towards becoming a better human being every day. You will stumble and fall of course but you need to keep getting back up... Don't worry, the first progress you' ll see will give you more confidence to carry on.